You're kinda, sorta, basically, pretty much always on my mind. -- psacake.com

Is Santa Real?

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Based on the research of SPY magazine, January 1990.

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/23/2003

Red Dog Christmas

Festivus?

December is ...
Hi Neighbor Month,
Bingo's Birthday Month
Read A New Book Month

December 2 is ... National Fritters Day
December 4 is ... Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 6 is ... National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 8 is ... Take It In The Ear Day
December 10 is ... Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 12 is ... National Ding-A-Ling Day
December 13 is ... Ice Cream and Violins Day
December 14 is ... National Bouillabaisse Day
December 17 is ... Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is ... National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 21 is ... National Flashlight Day
December 26 is ... National Whiners Day
December 28 is ... Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
December 30 is ... Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/20/2003

Bad Inventions

A scientist from Kansas State University has invented a bras that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing though the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by two guys named Dave and Joe; who kicked the crap out of him.

Senility

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What They Said:

BBS says Ha on 12/15/2003
I am the one that hired Dave & Joe

1 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/12/2003

Fall in New England

2 Feet of Snow.. then pouring rain.. I love the White and gray colors of the fall in New England.

Plumbing

Just as an FYI.. popsicle sticks do NOT make it through P traps in your kitchen sink. In fact they tend to catch all the stuff that you put down the garbage disposal. And Drano doesn't work on them either.

Now you know.

Conglomo.com?

I was reading a story about the woes of a hiring manager, and he posed the question: How many of the people you hire end up being keepers? And how many turn out to be underperformers, incompetent, or just plain lazy?

Someone left the following comment which I think alot of readers can identify with: How many of you work for companies that are keepers? How many turn out to have no conscience, are managerially incompetent, and expect you to work 85 hours a week for 2-3 months at a time?

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/11/2003

QOTD

Good customer service is too expensive. Companies have figured out that it doens't make financial sense to treat customers properly.

So why do we as consumers tolerate poor service? Uggh..

What They Said:

BBS says Huh? on 12/2/2003
Doctor Sax says Even better on 1/30/2004
Don't you just love it when it's so blatantly obvious that they're using fake Americanized names like George and Frank along with lame exuses like "bad connections" to hide the fact that they're half way around the world and don't really understand a word you're saying. Just the other day I get "Tink ju fur kallink AYCH PEE teeknical soopurt, mie neem isss FRED, owww kin eye hilp ju?" I mean, really, "FRED"!? It was a woman for Pete's sake! What sadistic whipholder told her she had to be FRED that day?

2 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/2/2003

Bliss

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 12/1/2003

Things you should know

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying Why, thank you (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).
Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who, and where you are.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't like dogs/cats.
Good sex should involve laughter. Because think about it, it really is funny.
You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: I apologize and You are right.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was, Go! You might meet somebody!
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her � believe it.
Pick your battles; Ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.
Work is good but it's not that important.
Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
And finally�be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 11/25/2003

MMMM BEEEEEER

A few wise words from Cliff Clavin of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones in the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

What They Said:

BBS says Too True on 11/24/2003
Truer words have never been spoken

1 Comments | Perm-a-link | 11/24/2003

Just because...

... you can fit into it.. doesn't mean you should wear it.

Mouse over for a "large" view.

Clear Day Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 11/14/2003

Inferiority Complex

Astronaut Buzz Aldrin achieved his life's ambition at age 35 and wondered, what do you do after that?

At age 30, Mark Twain published his first short story, "Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog." Physicist Armand H. L. Fizeau measured the speed of light. Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.

At 26, Napoleon Bonaparte conquered Italy.

At 21, Thomas Alva Edison created his first invention, an electric vote recorder. After it failed to sell, he decided to devote his energy to inventions for which there was a market.

Also at 21, College dropout Steven Jobs co-founded Apple Computer.

At 15, Albert Einstein, with poor grades in geography, history and languages, dropped out of school.

Fats Domino was a professional pianist by 10.

At age 5, Mozart began composing minuets. Once when a second violinist failed to appear for a string quartet performance, Mozart took his place, even though he'd never seen the music.

Yeah.. great.. just what I needed was a little morale booster. [More]

0 Comments | Perm-a-link | 11/10/2003